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The Hiss Quarterly Vol. 4 ~ Issue 4 Slip Out The Back, Jack. The Anatomy Of Abandonment |
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To My Darling Fledglings, I know, I know, you’re wondering what’s the matter with me. Is this the ramblings of a menopausal fruitcake, or has Alzheimer’s seriously struck because I forgot to include money? Since your departure, I’ve had a lot of time on my hands with the whole empty nest syndrome thing, and wanted to tell you of my musings. So please don’t roll your eyes; they might get stuck that way. As you make your way in the world, I’m hoping and praying that I’ve done a reasonable job raising you. In order to make your journey a bit easier as well as ease some longstanding guilt, I need to make a confession. There were some things I wasn’t completely honest about and it’s time you knew. First, much to your delight, I don’t have eyes in the back of my head. Really, I can’t believe you actually fell for that since they were never ever visible. Sorry but I’m not really a doctor, lawyer, nurse, chauffeur, gourmet chef, private eye, or an historian. It particularly galls me to say this but I don’t know everything and don’t hate me but I didn’t invent the bong. I am still, however, 29 years old and plan to stay that way for quite some time. Those idiots at the DMV screwed up my license. Now that you’ve flown the coop, my job takes on a whole new approach. Most of the mothering will be done long distance. Too bad, I was just getting the knack of caring for you up close and personal, I’ve grown to love the hands on method. I anticipate my new role will probably be more like a consultant, giving out pieces of advice when you call with problems and concerns. A business I’m seriously considering. I’m pretty good at giving advice, it’s been documented that I’m right 98.5% of the time. Consider yourselves lucky! So I want to say, feel free to call me whenever you want. You all have cell phones, which apparently you have no problem using. I’ve taken the liberty of putting my cell phone number into your speed dial. But just in case you lose or forget your phone, here’s my number, MOM FOR HIRE. Princess, I’m not worried about you but you boys, on the other hand, are way too lazy to look at the keypad to find to correct corresponding numbers, so here it is 1-800-000-1234. I’ll be available 24/7, with a few exceptions, Monday, there is the bikini bull riding contest, hari-kari karate is on Tuesday, Wednesday is my senior kiting surfing lesson, Thursday, there’s afternoon delight with the cute golf pro, and Friday’s are reserved for Giorgio’s spa. Other then perhaps a few unforeseen appointments, I’m ready to listen to your tales and tribulations. Be happy and well, my precious waifs and remember I’ll always be here for you. Love, Mom |
